Thoughts

Going through old Google Docs – found this from a few months back. A bit dark and foreboding but holds true for me as well as for so many.

Tonight I am letting the darkness get the best of me
I have let myself become unprotected, lost sight of the potential that has guided me
This army of me seems to be fighting a losing battle
and as I struggle to regain the light, the glimmer just seems to get dimmer and dimmer
further and further away I feel myself slipping into the shadows of the night
I stand alone here – always, as before and as always, I will remain
false promises I have let encapsulate me, promising me a reality that will never be my own
I can not own it, for never will it truly be my home
all I have is this body, this soul, this heart that beats – rhythmically yet at times out of tune
it screams out for freedom, to feel anything but this…
this darkness which can’t be ignored – can’t be reckoned with
it swarms around me like a plague of massive proportions
perhaps I’ve longed for a savior, knowing all too well, there can be no saviors – no white knights to take away the brutality of this fire
as it burns, unrelenting and uncontrolled
I lit this fire, long ago – perhaps out of spite, perhaps out of fear
of letting anyone or anything get too close, get too near
the realness which IS this darkness, this emptiness which seems to be inviolable
untouchable and forever vast
the only constant is this burning – and it burns and burns and burns
it burns my flesh and burns my aching heart
I struggle to put the pieces together that will show me how I got here
to this place of dark, unlit tunnels where I wander, helplessly and childlike in search of the many answers to the questions I have dared not ask
yet I am left perplexed and without direction
staring at walls and empty bottles of imperfection
only I am to blame for the roads I have taken
and only I am to judge for the moments I have mistaken
and perhaps my judgements have been flawed
and perhaps I’ve let my idealistic dreams guide me to a place of unrealistic expectation
perhaps
and perhaps I am just another lost dreamer, in the throes of another worlds’ sensations

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